Deep Spiritual Roots of Silence

Trees are spiritual because they have deep roots, roots that are unseen but their strength comes from their deep roots. Just like the trees, the deep roots of my own spirituality are not seen outside but it is those deep roots that strengthen me. The trees are also a place where many living things find their abode. . Christ is the one in whom I find my adobe and rest in. If I am deeply rooted in Christ, and grow out of Christ, then I will become an extension of Christ’s love that points people to the rest in Christ. The tree is a deeply mysterious being which reflects God’s nurturing and life giving side. So being among big trees in the evening was to be mystic presence of God.

Below is my account of a 6 hour spiritual discipline of silence that I followed from 5pm till 11 pm at the Memorial Park in Houston. I choose that place, because trees move my spirit to a place of wonderment about God. Trees are a place of deep life and consequently deep spirituality. Just like God showed His presence to David by the stars in the sky, for me, God manifests His presence to me by the trees. Perhaps, it shouldn’t surprise me that Treebeard (the guardian of all Trees) is my favorite character in Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings (of course no surprise either in that Tolkien channeled himself into Treebeard!). 

Trees point to deep spiritual truths. They have deep roots, roots that are unseen but their strength comes from their deep roots. Just like the trees, the deep roots of my own Christ-centered spirituality are not seen outside but it is those deep roots that strengthen me. The trees are also a place where many living things find their abode. . Christ is the one in whom I find my adobe and rest in. If I am deeply rooted in Christ, and grow out of Christ, then I will become an extension of Christ’s love that points people to the rest in Christ. The tree is a deeply mysterious being which reflects God’s nurturing and life giving side. So being among big trees in the evening was to be mystic presence of God.

As always being alone and silent, my anxieties came up. I did not want to get stuck in my state of anxiety and so walked around looking, deeply looking, and meditating on the tree. There was this one tree which was so exquisitely beautiful – its dark branches that had fractal precision were like a painting of God across the light sky. Looking at the tree, carefully observing how the branches were shaped by God’s providence and design, I was drawn out of my self-absorption. Below is a picture of that tree.
 

 I was walking among the trees looking at them I found myself moving from a state of self-absorption to a place of self-transcendence. I sat at a bench and looked at the trees. I took more picture of the dark ominous spiritual beings. As I was there, I did not know when it started but I realized that I was actually singing the song, “Spirit of the living God fall afresh on me…” Somehow even before my conscious mind was aware of it, my sub-conscious mind was reveling in the presence of God in that spiritual space. 

After a while, as it got darker, I realized that I could see the moon above. I lay on the bench to look up at the moon. Dark clouds came between me and the moon but still the light of the moon couldn’t be dimmed off completely. I could see the moonlight form designs in the beautifully shaped clouds. I was reminded about how brilliant God’s design was. I kept watching the moon and the clouds back and forth, I don’t know for how long. 

Then I went back to watching trees and taking pictures of trees which looked interesting… Then after a while as I was sitting on the bench looking at the trees, my body started swaying gently the way it usually does when I am in deep prayer, filled with the Spirit of God. I enjoyed being in God’s presence there. I felt like I did not want to leave that spiritual place, it was like the mountain top transfiguration experience that the disciples did not want to leave. 

Of course, I had to come back to the real world. But there was an interesting difference. As I was back in the “real world”, the real world was now different because I was carrying with me the presence of God with me. Because of God’s presence being with me, everything I did where it was going to the gym or reading a book, it was now different – I was living out of a much deeper place in my soul, centered in Christ. The spiritual roots that I had had gone deeper into the soil of my being and was drawing it sweet nourishment from the deep source of God’s presence deep in me and that is what made the world come alive in a new way.

Reforging Broken Dreams

In the run up to the first Advent the elderly Zechariah and Elizabeth had a surprise child who turned out to be the blessed John the Baptist. Their shame was transmuted into an unexpected blessing. Advent is a time that reminds us that our Father in Heaven cares about the hurts and sorrows of our broken dreams. He does not just slap our broken dreams back together the way we want it. Rather, our Father re-forges our broken dreams into unexpected new prospects, pregnant with beautiful blessings. 

Disclaimer: I wrote the post below for an Advent Meditation for First Presbyterian Church, Houston. http://fpchouston.org/am-site/media/devo-week-one-pdf.pdf

The season of Advent conjures up the image of the pondering Mary. This image is poignant, especially, as I reckon Mary to be a peasant teenager whose dreams of marriage were almost broken by news of the miraculous pregnancy. This Advent, being the tenth consecutive year away from family, my ponderings have been pervaded by the idea of broken dreams.

Growing up, I dreamed that I would be married and have a family of my own by the time I was like 30 years old. Now at 34, not yet married, feeling unsettled, sometimes it feels like I am living in the wake of the broken dream. Reckoning with broken dreams creates doubts—sometimes doubting God’s provision, other times doubting self-efficacy. The fruit of doubt is shame!

Shame is a significant human emotion in the Bible. When Adam and Eve broke the blessed order of creation, they were overwhelmed by the emotion of shame. Perhaps it shouldn’t be surprising that Luke’s Gospel starts with a story of shame—Zechariah, the old priest at the temple, and his wife Elizabeth who bore the shame of being childless. Theirs was a story of a broken dream. Their story is paradigmatic of all human lives with broken dreams—not having that dream job we always wanted, our spouse not quite living up to our idealized dream/image, our children’s lives getting derailed from their dreams, our loved one dying prematurely or unexpectedly incurring a long-term disability. Our lives are strewn with broken dreams because we live in a broken world.

In the run up to the first Advent the elderly Zechariah and Elizabeth had a surprise child who turned out to be the blessed John the Baptist. Their shame was transmuted into an unexpected blessing. Advent is a time that reminds us that our Father in Heaven cares about the hurts and sorrows of our broken dreams. He does not just slap our broken dreams back together the way we want it. Rather, our Father re-forges our broken dreams into unexpected new prospects, pregnant with beautiful blessings.

This Advent we don’t have to be stuck pinning over broken dreams or pondering our doubts or wallowing secretly in our shame. Rather, meditating in the Gospels about the love of our Lord Jesus Christ, we can be moved, by the power of the Holy Spirit, to full faith in our Father in Heaven who re-forges our broken dreams into a new beautiful blessedness!

Most Important New Year’s Resolution: Making Space

One way to counteract modernism’s corrosive nature is to consciously make space for God’s presence. One important way of this making space is performing ceaseless prayers. I have found it to be most useful for my life is to say short prayers through the day, “Father have mercy on me.” “Father take care.” “Jesus, Son of God have mercy on me.”

I think the most important New Year’s resolution for me is to make space – make space for increased awareness of God’s presence in my life. Augustine says, “my soul is too crampled for your to enter it – widen it out. It is in disrepair – restore it.” 

Spiritual growth happens when we make space for God’s presence in our lives. Modernity with its pervasive materialism and cognitive overload, which comes by the way of hoarded homes and the buzz of social media frazzling our mind, makes it difficult to make space for God’s presence in our lives.

One way to counteract modernism’s corrosive nature is to consciously make space for God’s presence. One important way of this making space is performing ceaseless prayers. I have found it to be most useful for my life is to say short prayers through the day, “Father have mercy on me.” “Father take care.” “Jesus, Son of God have mercy on me.”

Taking a quick moment at different points in the day to say these prayers helps me be aware of God’s presence through the day. This way of making space for God’s presence mitigates modernity’s inexorable chipping away of my spirit; thus fostering spiritual growth.

10 Lonely Christmases of Seeing the Face of Jesus

 I think my compulsive attending of multiple Christmas services over the past 10 years helped me reach a deep place in my soul where I catch a glimpse of the face of Christ. The Christmas songs were an opportunity to meditate on the face of Christ. Then the kind, grieving, loving face of Christ comforts me in my loneliness. The price to pay for my lonely Christmases is the deeper vision of face of Christ and it is worth it. After all, this gazing on God is the highest of all pleasures which David talks about in Psalm 27:4 “One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.”

This is my 10th consecutive Christmas being away from family. As I look back, with each Christmas I have been having a richer and deeper experience of Christmas – one that gives me deeper glimpses of God in Christ. 

The upside of not having a family to celebrate Christmas with is that I have a lot of time to do many things. A tradition I have developed through the lonely Christmases is to go to multiple Christmas services. Following my lonely Christmas tradition, yesterday, for Christmas eve, I went to 3 services. I started off with a service at 7 Mile Road, which is my friend’s Church plant. Then I went to the 9 pm service at First Presbyterian Church, my home church. Then I went to the 10:30 pm service at St. Martin’s Episcopal church, being the sucker for sacraments that I am I couldn’t resist the option to make Christmas service the Eucharist service.

This year, I reflected on the question of what my lonely Christmas tradition has amounted to, if at all anything. One, I realized that the Christmas services are the best worshipful times of the year for me. Two, when I sing Christmas songs over and over again on the same evening, I feel myself standing alongside the Shepherds spiritually seeing the Infinite take flesh in the finite as the babe Jesus Christ. Three, every year as Christmas comes and goes, I seem to be able to spiritually see the face of Christ more and more clearly.

The point about seeing the face of Christ is something that has been deeply impressed upon me since my reading Shusaku Endo’s book Silence. The book is about Jesuit Priests being persecuted by Japanese Samurai in the 17th century. During the persecution the Priest Rodrigues repeatedly meditates on the face of Christ. He is constantly meditating on the details of the scenes from the Gospel. This is what gives him the strength to suffer for the sake of the Gospel. 

As I look back, I think my compulsive attending of multiple Christmas services over the past 10 years helped me reach a deep place in my soul where I catch a glimpse of the face of Christ. The Christmas songs were an opportunity to meditate on the face of Christ. Then the kind, grieving, loving face of Christ comforts me in my loneliness. The price to pay for my lonely Christmases is the deeper vision of face of Christ and it is worth it. After all, this gazing on God is the highest of all pleasures which David talks about in Psalm 27:4 “One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.”

Who is a Christian Mystic?

The one who is tuned to this deep presence of Christ in the subconscious self is the Christian mystic. The mystic does not have to be cloistered within the halls of the monastery. For the mystic the whole world is a monastery. For the Christian mystic the whole world is sacramentally held together by the Word of God (Heb 1:3) and God’s presence is manifest through it.

A friend asked me today how I define a “mystic”. Having spent the last few weeks reading a bunch of patristic and medieval mystics from St. Cassian to Julian of Norwich, I figured I could venture a definition. 

I define a Christian mystic is one who values the power of the subconscious self enough to want to give credence to the subconscious and celebrate the union with Christ in one’s subconscious self. 

Now, the aforementioned definition of the mystic needs some unpacking. The subconscious self is the “inner man” that needs to be strengthened which the Bible talks about in Ephesians 3:16. It is also the seat of the creativity, desires and anxieties which in Jungian psychology would be called the unconscious. The mystic realizes the centrality of the subconscious to the identity of the self and so takes time to care for the subconscious self.

Now, what does the phrase “celebrate union with Christ in one’s subconscious self” mean? The Gospel of John highlights on the Logos aspect of Christ and the mystical union the Christian has with Christ, especially in chapters 14-17. Romans 8:26 discusses the Spirit groaning from within in a language that is beyond the reckoning of the conscious mind, which is a key manifestation of the union with Christ. A mystic is one who is attuned to this. When 1 Thess 5:17 says pray continually, it is the subconscious self revels in the presence of God always, even as the conscious self is doing about its daily activities.

The one who is tuned to this deep presence of Christ in the subconscious self is the Christian mystic. The mystic does not have to be cloistered within the halls of the monastery. For the mystic the whole world is a monastery. For the Christian mystic the whole world is sacramentally held together by the Word of God (Heb 1:3) and God’s presence is manifest through it.

 

On Why Unhappiness is Not a bad thing!

Happiness is an allegory as happiness is always pointing to something else. One does not get to rest in happiness. On the other hand unhappiness makes for a better story because suffering and struggle makes for a good story. If the prince did not have to suffer crossing seven seas, climbing seven mountains, defeating seven monsters to get to the princess, it wouldn’t be meaningful story or romance. In fact, one could almost say, blessed are the unhappy for it makes their story more meaningful (Matt 5:4). That is why unhappiness in not (always) a bad things after all.

Haruki Murakami in his book Kafka On the Shore says, “…like Tolstoy said. Happiness is an allegory, unhappiness a story.” Reading this I was reminded about two things. One, the TV series Mad Men. Two, Tolkien’s book The Hobbit.

John Hamm, playing the central character Don Draper in the Mad Men TV series, is a hedonistic ad man who loves to get his way in the advertising industry. Once, a smug CEO tells John Hamm, “We are happy with our current agency. Why would we want to do business with you?”. Hamm replies, “You say you are happy with your current plan but what is happiness except that which you feel before you want more of it.” Happiness is always a moving target. The moment you think you have arrived, happiness is the next thing – always pointing to something else. An allegory is always pointing to something else. Happiness is an allegory.

In the Hobbit, Gandalf gets thirteen dwarfes and the hobbit Bilbo to go on an adventure brimming with hardships. Every time Bilbo faces hardships, whether it be fighting the trolls or getting drenched in the rain, Bilbo wishes he were back in his cozy home sitting by the fire with a cup of tea and a slice of cake (so British!). Bilbo’s team faces many hardship in their journey until they reach Rivendel, the Elf land, where they rest for 2 weeks. Tolkien says there was nothing really to report on the 2 week stay in the Elf paradise, as it was period of happiness and peace. The story starts again when they leave Rivendel to face the next stage of hardships in their journey towards the lonely mountain. It is being disturbed from our happy homeostasis that makes for a good story. 

Happiness is an allegory as happiness is always pointing to something else. One does not get to rest in happiness. On the other hand unhappiness makes for a better story because suffering and struggle makes for a good story. If the prince did not have to suffer crossing seven seas, climbing seven mountains, defeating seven monsters to get to the princess, it wouldn’t be meaningful story or romance. In fact, one could almost say, blessed are the unhappy for it makes their story more meaningful (Matt 5:4). That is why unhappiness in not (always) a bad things after all.

Ps: Want to read more about what makes stories meaningful? Here is one way A Way of Stories…

A Way of Stories vs the Bottom-line Culture

In as much as our lives do not have hope for redemption, our stories seem meaningless. If there are no stories worth living for, then we end up living for something else – money, power or knowledge. In as much as our identities are solely determined by the bottom-lines factors of money, power or knowledge we end up living lives of shunted humanity. In as much as we take a step back from our bottom-line obsessions with money, power and knowledge, we will see that there are richer stories to be lived with eternal hope (Rev 21:4) in which our stories will be redeemed.

One of my very good friends in Houston, Henry Bragg, invited me to go see the movie “A Story Film” made by John Eldredge (author of Wild at Heart) and his crew. The movie attempts to help us look at our lives in terms of a story in order to help us gain self-understanding. This narrative self understanding is a very important to prevent ourselves from being being boxed-in by bottom-line-culture. What I mean by bottom-line-culture is that we live in a culture which tends to define us by some basic common denominators which often happens to be related to money or knowledge or power. A story-culture is the anti-thesis to the bottom-line-culture. Knowing people through their life stories gives us a deeper sense of ourselves and people around us than if were to use money, power or knowledge as the only criteria to know/judge people. 

What is interesting about the movie is that John Eldredge and his crew of 6 guys attempt to go on an adventerous journey to “find the story that tells their personal stories.” For the Eldredge crew, given that most of them had not driven motorcycles in any form prior hand, to go on a 10 day trip riding off-road motorcycles is an adventure indeed. Seeing the 6 guys wrestle with excitement and nervousness about the trip gives the movie a touch of authenticity. Finding stories which tell our personal storyhelps us gain true self-understanding.

One may ask, how does living an adventurous story help in self-understanding? Bart Erhman, Eldredge’s friend, gives a clue to the answer. Once when Bart went flying he had to land on a short landing strip, he ended up crashing his flight because of his mis-calculation. His co-pilot later told him that when the flight crashed and was sliding like 500 yeards, Bart, frustrated that his mistake caused the crash, kept banging his fist on the dashboard and yelling at himself, “you miserable piece of s***.” When we are stressed, the facade which we project about us to the world outside falls off and what we truly think about ourselves gets exposed. The failure of landing the flight helped Bart know what he really thought about himself. Failure in our story is not to be hidden, it is a place rich for exploration of our identities to find how we really see ourselves as.

Failure in story helps in self-understanding. Self-understanding paves way for us to find completion or redemption. Eldredge says, “a good story is one that will account for the beauty and the loss (suffering) in life”. Being able to account for beauty and suffering gives ones life deep meaning. Eldredge’s friend, another psychologist, on the trip says, “beauty destroys our fears”. After all, is it the beauty of the maiden princess that fuels the prince to suffer crossing seven mountains and defeating seven monsters. The end of the story gives meaning to the story. Unredeemed stories leave us with a sense that someone is missing. Like in every time I see the movie “Titanic”, I feel something is missing because the movie did not end with redemption. Good art is something that stirs us to look for what is missing in our real life. It fuels our search for redemption.

In as much as the story ends with redemption then the story seems worth the suffering and loss. The root cause of modern anxiety is that we do not have any hope that our stories will end with true redemption. In a Godless world, notes Eldredge, the beginning of the world is seen as a random accident. Consequently, hope for redemption in such an accidental world is implausible. In as much as our lives do not have hope for redemption, our stories seem meaningless. If there are no stories worth living for, then we end up living for something else – money, power or knowledge. In as much as our identities are solely determined by success in the bottom-lines factors of money, power or knowledge we end up reducing our humanity to those shallow bottom-lines. In as much as we take a step back from our bottom-line obsessions with money, power and knowledge, we will see that there are richer stories to be lived with eternal hope (Rev 21:4) in which our stories will be redeemed. Knowing ourselves through our life-stories instead of forming our identities around the bottom-lines of money, power or knowledge helps us deeply know our failures, be more aware of our need for redemption and thus live more meaningful life-stories. 

 

Ps: Though I really enjoyed some part of the movie, I at least have a three fold critique of the movie. Firstly, in spite of some good insights, the movie does not quite cohere together. The adventure in the movie does not have a moment of real failure. Unless there is real failure, there is no need for redemption. May be if they had gone on a month long trip instead of a 10 day trip then the crew would have faced real failure and it would have been interesting to see how they are redeemed from that. Without any real failure, much of the movie was just talk. This went against one of the fundamental principles of film making that a good film is to be more seen than heard. Secondly, a good movie as the director Ridley Scott says is about a conflict over some value. A part of the problem with film is that the movie does not have a conflict over a value. In my blog here, I have tried to compare the story way of life vs a bottom-line way of life in order it bring out the contrast that was missing in the movie. Thirdly, the editors should have cut out the last 20 minutes of the film which is a panel discussion intended to create interest in order to get the audience to follow more of the film on the website. What made the movie interesting was the casual style with impromptu dialog laden with disparate insights. The 20 minutes long panel discussion at the end was too formal and badly edited leaving a bad after taste.

A Drilling (lesson) on Faith from My Motorcycle Mechanic

I have to remind myself that to have faith is to trust that the Father in Heaven knows what He is doing better than I do. If I am able to trust my motorcycle to my mechanic and teeth to my dentist, then by God, I should be able to trust my life to the hands of the Father in Heaven even when I feel like wanting to freak out! 

I took my Motorcycle to my mechanic because it was acting up. My mechanic said it looked like a problem with my carburetor. He took a electric drill to my carburetor and made a hole. He then turned to me with a sheepish smile and asked, “you really trust me don’t you.” I replied, “I do.” He said, “Most motorcycle owners freak-out when I take a drill to the carburetor because they think I don’t know what I am doing… The thing is, I needed to make a hole in the casing to get to the carburetor. Only those who trust that I know what I am doing do not freak-out. It is at such moments that I know if they truly trust me as a good mechanic.”

Sometimes events happen in our lives that cause us to feel like we are being drilled out. However, faith is about trusting God to take a drill to my life while resting in the assurance that He knows what He is doing better than I do. I had to recently endure a root canal in which I had to trust that my dentist know what he is doing better than I do and yield myself to his skill. If I were to freak-out every time I heard the dentist’s drill get close to my teeth, I will end up with unclean teeth.

After having quit a rather lucrative job in the software world to go to seminary in order to follow my call into ministry I have my moments of freaking-out. Sometimes I find myself asking, “Father, what on earth are you doing to me?” At such moments, I have to remind myself that to have faith is to trust that the Father in Heaven knows what He is doing better than I do. If I am able to trust my motorcycle to my mechanic and teeth to my dentist, then by God, I should be able to trust my life to the hands of the Father in Heaven even when I feel like wanting to freak out! After all, God works ALL things for the good of those who love Him – Rom 8:28.

What does it mean to love God with our Souls?

I did not quite understand the answer to this question until I was walking down the Jamaica beach in Galveston at 2:00 am on a Saturday morning. I realized that to love God with my soul is to be deeply moved by a sheer display of His brilliant majesty in a way that bypasses my heart and mind and reaches deep into my unconscious, my soul, to lift it up into an ecstasy (in the truest sense of that word) to a posture of absolute submission and worship of God. 

We are called to love God with the heart, soul, mind and strength. I have at times wondered what it means to love God with the soul. 

I think of loving God with my heart to mean that desires are being shaped to love God. This happens when I read, say, Kierkegaard or Tolkien or Dostoevsky. Loving God with my mind is like reading Alvin Plantinga, Charles Taylor or Jamie Smith. To love God with my strength is to love him with the works of my hands.

So what does it really mean to love God with my soul? 

I did not quite understand the answer to this question until I was walking down the Jamaica beach in Galveston at 2:00 am on a Saturday morning. I realized that to love God with my soul is to be deeply moved by a sheer display of His brilliant majesty in a way that bypasses my heart and mind and reaches deep into my unconscious, my soul, to lift it up into an ecstasy (in the truest sense of that word) to a posture of absolute submission and worship of God. 

I was spending the weekend with some friends from Church at a beach house in Galveston. Before I was about to sleep, I realized if there was something worth loosing sleep over, it would be to experience what it feels like to talk a walk along the beach at 2:00 am in the morning. There were a few words welled up from within my unconscious, my soul. I have tried to capture that elusive feeling in words, as pitiable as the attempt may be. If there was something worth allowing oneself to be made a fool of it is to attempt to express the experience of beauty that so moved ones heart. So here I go with my words of folly!

Rhythmic roar of the deep waters!
White lines of foam sliding over
Reaching out from the dark water
The ominous shaped clouds afar

So full of sound and fury
Yet signifying something
From beyond the Horizon
Yet so near, Lord of hosts!

Who set the foundations of Earth
And the boundaries of furious waters
An encounter with awesome Nature
An encounter with the almighty Creator

Un-curving my inwardly curved self
Shattering my self-importance
Saving the puny me from myself
By a sheer display of His vast Majesty

To stand still and look with my eyes
To be enchanted onto my knees
To be moved in my soul. To sing Hallelujah!
Over the rhythmic roar of the deep waters.

 I took this picture the next morning...
I took this picture the next morning…
 While drinking coffee on the beach!
While drinking coffee on the beach!