Crushing the Accursed Loneliness

Leaving the warm room, sparkling wine and lively chatter
I walk into the dead cold of the night.
Wanting to feel the soul, wanting to feel the intensity, I embrace loneliness
An accursed loneliness, even the gods despair of
A loneliness that hates loneliness
A loneliness that seeks a friend.
Not just a friend, but an intense Friend who touches the soul.
I peer into the mysterious heaviness about the dark woods
I wait for a friend to emerge. Not a twig moved.
I look up at the tree, an enormous being, so full of life.
Implore Him to talk to me.
He is silent as the dead dark night.
I walk back to my room, alone, through the dense night
Lo, was the Lover, the Groom waiting for His wayward Bride.
A Bride that sought, to no avail, in the frivolous and the mysterious
An eternal intensity to nourish her soul.
An intensity that is imbibed, only by Him who
Transcends space-time, and touches the soul.
That touches the soul, as the Bride is impregnated with the Spirit of the Groom
As He crushes with the heel of His feet, the accursed loneliness of being.

A weekend with ‘C.S.Lewis and Friends’

At the start of last week, I updated my facebook status to say ‘…a weekend with C.S. Lewis and Friends’. Now, again, as I title my blog ‘A weekend with C.S. Lewis and Friends’, I realize that over the course of last weekend, my understanding of the meaning of the word ‘friend’ has grown deeper. The profound experiences of life are the ones that help us understand the deeper meaning of words which we often blithely use. For example, a guy will not really understand the meaning of ‘falling’ in love unless he has ‘fallen’ in love with a girl. It is when a loved one dies that one gets to understand the meaning of the word ‘death’. Over the course of the weekend at Camp Allen with the singles Fusion Fellowship of SJD, Andrew Lazo’s special emphasis on friendship during his exposition of C.S. Lewis’ “Four Loves” was, I think, one such experience that helped me have a renewed and a deeper understanding of the word ‘Friendship’. In fact, today, when I was typing an email to one of my ‘friends’, I stopped for a moment to ask myself if my email was an ‘ordinate’ response to the ‘friendship’ we shared. 

Having been inspired to think about love over the course of this week, I realize that the love that really intrigues me is ‘Need Love’. Need love is the love that people have because the love satisfies a need of theirs. When Shakesphere said ‘love loves love’, I think he was essentially talking about need love. It is a love where love just ‘needs’ the feeling of love. This love does not necessarily, selflessly, seek a person to love. Some men idealize this kind of need love, some demonize it. But I think that a man who neither idealized nor demonizes but understands need love for what it is, will be a good lover.
Without this need love, a man and a woman may never risk passionately falling in love with each other. The ‘first love’ (which is 7 parts need love, 2 parts gift love, 1 part appreciative love) is that spark that causes a man and a woman to fall in love. But this ‘need’ soaked ‘first love’ which causes the couple to fall in love, dies soon. Then out of the ashes of this ‘love death’, resurrects Agape (selfless love). Need love is the ‘severe mercy’ of God that helps man attain higher forms of selfless love. As Lewis often says, ‘the higher does not stand without the lower’. No love reaches its noble selfless supremacy which has not started off as a need love in some form.
Even as man approaches God, it is need love that propels him to God. If a man were to think that his love for God is not propelled by his need for God but by of his supreme selfless love for God, he is probably deceiving himself as the Pharisee was deceiving himself at the altar. Whereas, the tax collector confesses his ‘need’ for God’s mercy and was loved by God. Though need love is good to a certain extent, need love lasts only as long as the need lasts, so it is not supremely good. But still, God does allow us to start off with need love, then He uses the tricks of nature (the delicate balance of providing contentment and discontentment) to nudge us away from need love towards the Agape love. Thus work’s God’s severe mercy. The fallen man, to attempt to imitate Agape, has to go through the humility of a helpless, and may be even hopeless, ‘need love’. Any man who tries to idealize need love or demonize it, is bound to remain an inane lover all his life.
On a different note, I realize that there was something about the weekend at Camp Allen which rejuvenated my creative energies. I got to write loads for my journal, which was not surprising. But what really surprised me was that, the sporadic, reluctant and mediocre poet that I am, I managed to pen two poems over the weekend. Looking back, I wonder what it was about the Camp Allen retreat that fostered creativity.
I think the answer is that in Camp Allen, one gets to enjoy the natural ‘real pleasures of life’. There was no television neither did I get to browse the virtual world. I did not write in anyone’s walls either. I lived with real people in the real world. I looked at the grey skies, walked the brown earth, breathed into the cold wet air, felt the chilling drizzle, touched the grazing horses, watched the embers in the camp fire die down into the midnight listening to Andrew’s narrations of C.S. Lewis writings, after midnight wandered about the misty nights, fellowshipped with those who loved the Lord and above all, worshiped God.
I think all of these experiences fall under the category of what C.S. Lewis calls, the ‘real pleasures’ of life. In ‘Screw Tape Letters’, the (Devil) uncle instructs Wormwood (the trainee devil) to keep his target, the Christian man, busy with the frivolous pleasures of life, away from the heavier ‘real pleasures’. He says that this nudging of the Christian man away, from the ‘real pleasures’ of life would keep the Christian away from that which is ‘real’ in life and consequently away from the ‘real’ God as well. Looking back, I am not surprised that the dose of the natural ‘real pleasures’ of life revived in me a fecundity, the source of which is the ‘real’ God.
Before I started off for the retreat, a Hindu colleague asked me what the seminar on the book was about. I had read “Four Loves” earlier, I remembered some philosophic ideas from the book and explained to him what the book was about, but it made little existential sense to him. My words were perhaps a little too removed from the reality of how stuff happens in life. But during the seminar, Andrew Lazo’s real life ‘blood-letting’ changed that. Nothing speaks louder than a man speaking from the depth of his pain.  I think I got an existential understanding of the meaning of the words ‘Storge’, ‘Philia’, ‘Eros’ and ‘Agape’. Perhaps, next time when I have to talk to someone about “Four Loves”, I shall hopefully do C.S. Lewis proud.

The Dance of the Trees

The ipod played ‘That kind of Love’

I look out of the window at the green woods

Through the gleamy drizzle in the sunny outside

A moment of transcendence

 

It was the dance of the trees swaying in the breeze.

The grace of the lean branches and the leaner leaves

Drew me deeper into the timeless world.

My shoulders slanted, legs crossed, I pen this

 

Why should the rain be beautiful?

Why should green be green?

Why should the trees dance?

Why should I be enthralled into a trance?

 

I wondered what it was all about.
Or may be, ‘who’ was it all about?

Tempted as I was to say ‘me’, but I couldn’t get to say it

I was still in trance experiencing a beautiful new reality.

No. It was all about Him who cannot be in a trance
For He pervades all reality.

The drizzling rain, dancing tree, the perky leaves

And I who ‘wonder’ what it is all about

In the very act of transcended wonderment
I lay down the crown on behalf of the rain, tree and leaves

At the feet of the timeless One of whom
This transcendence and beauty is all about.

Men’s Life @ SJD

Before the Sun rises
The pace accelerates
The noise distracts

A bunch of men, with their coffee mugs
Get together on Tuesdays
To mull over the Questions of life

Questions that get drowned
In the noise and pace
But are loud and insistent in the calm of ones soul

Over hot coffee and cherished movie clips
They search for answers, answers that are
Disturbing to the being, but peaceful to the soul

The soul that seeks not to lose itself
For the sake of gaining the world
The soul that searches

Searches for the sacred ground of ones life
Along with other barrel-chested men
Before the sun rises on Tuesday mornings
This is Men’s life @ SJD.

Fired-up by Flowers and Francis Schaeffer who were ‘there’

Last Friday, at about 10:00 pm I was sleepy as I had had just 5 hours of sleep each day during the week. But then I really wanted to read Francis Schaeffer’s “Death in the City”. So I went to the 24/7 Starbucks near Galleria. I got myself a venti Mocha and sat down in a cozy corner armchair. I was all set for my date with Francis Schaeffer.
In “Death in the City”, I was enthralled by how Schaffer built the case that without the orthodox God being ‘there’, the existence of human personality is superfluous. This implied that the Christian message wasn’t just a message of love, joy and peace but one of ‘affirmation’ of the significance and the essence of human personality – striking the right balance between exalting and at the same time reigning-in the spirit of ‘human individualism’ and freedom.
This realization that the gospel is such an emphatic affirmation of (borrowing Schaeffer’s phrase) ‘the manishness of man’, was like fire burning within me. Without the orthodox God who is ‘there’ and who gives man the dignity of free choice and then ‘partners’ with man as the Sovereign co-creator of human history, man gets reduced to a clog in a gigantic machine. He becomes insignificant – a small ‘blip’ in the vastness of ‘space-time’ continuum, if he does not realize that he has in him the ‘image of God’, and so is capable of affecting the course of history, within space-time, using the ability of ‘free choice’ bestowed upon him by the God. The denial of this orthodox gospel-truth and rebellion against the God who is ‘there’, causes man to lose sight of the ‘image of God’ in him and is the cause for the disillusionment of the post-modern man who, in vain, having lost the ‘image of God’ in him, is scavenging the ‘material’ world for meaning and direction in his toils and for significance in the essence of his personality.
The message of the orthodox gospel to this post modern man searching for significance and meaning, it so help him realize that the essence of his personality is the ‘image of God’ in him. The good news will help him realize that even in his fallen confused state, the God who is ‘there’ gives the framework for finding meaning and direction in man’s aspirations for wonder and creativity. The orthodox gospel also paves way for the fallen man to be redeemed back to finding his essence ‘in the image of God’ as co-creator in space-time human history. Having found his true image/nature, this redemption becomes the means for man, to the find the greatest sense of meaning, significance and wonder through a relationship with the ‘supreme Lover’ who is ‘there’. Love joy and peace being the byproducts of this supreme relationship.
So there I was at Starbucks at 1:30 am, ‘fired-up’, with all these revelations consuming my mind, trying to make sense of this ‘rush of reason’. I was absolutely overwhelmed in the realization of how the orthodox gospel affirms the ‘manishness of man’ and how could provide for the lost post-modern man a means to see the essence of ‘personality’ that God has so specially imbued in him. I wanted to ‘cool-down’ and assimilate all of these thoughts that were clogging my mind so I took a brief walk outside Starbucks.
In the calm of the night, as I walked closer to the edge of the road, I heard a distinct hissing sound, the sound of the water sprinklers. I stood and ‘stared’ at the pretty flowers right in the middle of Post oaks gleaming in the darkness of the night. Behind me, was the distant chatter of people at Starbucks. They were probably 10 feet away from me, but it seemed that I was in an entirely different universe, mesmerized by the little white, yellow, red, cream, orange, violet, indigo, blue and pink flowers that were ‘there’ for me to see, amidst the beauty of the night.
It was awesome to be reveling at the beauty of the flowers and the depth in Francis Schaeffer’s “Death of the City” that were‘there’, co-created by man and the sovergin God who is ‘there’, so that I would be ‘fired-up’ about life and be grateful to the Sovereign.

911, Church and Family

On 9/11/2009, I was reading some articles on 911 and its impact on the world. There was an interesting article that said that 911 was essentially a war of the middle eastern civilization against the modern western civilization. The writer argued that the Jihadists do not have to have to repeat another 911 to achieve their goal – ‘to bring down the western civilization’. The writer says that to achieve this goal, all the jihadists have to do, is to ‘wait it out in the caves in Afghanistan and allow the western civilization to cave-in under its own weight’.
He says that the modern western civilization will eventually fall as people do not have enough children anymore, the population is stagnant. Any civilization where people don’t have enough kids will eventually fall because there aren’t enough young shoulders for the civilization to stand on. On the other hand, the middle eastern civilization which the jihadists are the protagonists of, is procreating at an amazing pace. The hypothesis of this writer is that when the western civilization collapses because there are very few people in the next generation, the children of the people representing the middle eastern culture would inherit the world by default. The writer says that the Jihadists don’t see a need for another 911.
This may seem a radical idea to some people, but I think there is some truth in this. No civilization can survive if the fabric of family life is destroyed. The institution of family life is needed for a sane stable society and for a thriving economy. Perhaps, the post-Christian modern civilization which is getting more liberal and moving away from family values would soon realize that the pursuit of radical individualism at the cost of family life is a formula for disaster and a violation of God’s first command to the first man and woman.
In the by-gone years of western civilization young boys and girls were trained and ‘conditioned’ to be family builders. Back then having a prosperous and joyful family was the greatest ‘pursuit of life’. But now, the greatest pursuit of life has become the ‘pursuit of individual pleasure’. Today’s young children in the ‘ultra-developed’ post-Christian world, aren’t trained or ‘conditioned’ to build families they are ‘conditioned’ to pursue their ‘radical individualism’. Radical individualism is the pursuit of individual wants and cravings, with absolutely no regard for the community, family or the neighbor next door. Radical individualism of this kind predisposes the young people less willing to undertake the hardships and the commitments needed to build a family.
In the post-modern post-Christian culture, we find many people conditioned to delaying marriage, of those they marry many delay having children, almost half the marriages end up in divorce, three fourths of the second marriages end up in divorce as well – all of this contributes to perpetually stagnant or reducing population. The reason for this trend of reducing population in this post-modern, post-Christian civilization is a fundamental problem with people’s idea of the most important ‘pursuit of life’.
Today’s young man needs to be willing to commit to and have the ‘spine’ (courage) to start and sustain a family with a young lady. Today’s young lady needs to be willing to be patient and in modesty wait for the guy that is worth starting a family with. The society does not instill in them the virtues of commitment, courage, patience and modesty. Sadly, often, the church does not help the young men and women either. It is a blatant irony that the Church should forget to help young men and women fulfill the first command that the Lord gave mankind – to ‘multiply and be fruitful’.
Putting my ‘critic’ cap on, I wonder why the modern Church has not addressed this problem. I have been a part of singles fellowship in a bunch of different Churches over the course of the past few years. Honestly, I can’t recall any place where I have been taught the basics of family building.
I wonder why the modern Church has a ‘singles fellowship’ at all. I understand the need for children’s Sunday class at Church. I understand the need for teens fellowship and youth fellowship. After youth fellowship, I think there should be family fellowship. But in most of today’s Churches, between youth and family fellowship, there is the ‘singles fellowship’. The Church, instead of trying to mitigate the need to have the singles fellowship, endeavors to making the singles contented in their singleness thereby slowing down the process of family creation.
I think building families within singles group at Church shouldn’t be left at the mercy of time, chance and opportunity. Rather, the Church should work in instilling the values and virtues in the young men and women to help curb their predisposition to radical individualism and help them find their life partners and build strong Christian families. If only the pervasive problem of radical individualism that is causing decadence from within is systematically confronted, this postmodern civilization may get closer to where God wants it to be.

Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful Night – Thank God

I just came home and I thank God that tonight was so beautiful. I was riding my motorcycle back from Tom’s house at 1:15 am in the morning. As I started my motorcycle, I realized that there was thick due in my motorcycle. I could ‘see’ the air was laden with moisture. I began to have a feeling that my ride back home on the I10 8 lane freeway was going to be awesome. There is a stretch of I10 where there are trees on either side. As I was tearing through the foggy atmosphere, with trees on either side and the whole 8 lanes to myself, the whole world racing towards me at 80 miles an hour, with the moon right up ahead, I felt like I was riding on a magic horse in a fantasy land.

I was supposed to take the Durham exit out of I10, but I couldn’t stop drinking into the beauty of the night. I decided to take the next exit, studentmonte. But even then, I decided to prolong the pleasure until the next exit. Even then I couldn’t get myself to get off the freeway. I decided to take I45 freeway and the take the Allen Parkway exit. But even then I couldn’t stop. I decided to take to 59 south freeway and then take the Kirby exit. But the night was just too beautiful. I continued on 59 and then took to 610 and from there I again came back on I10 were I started. I had taken a full circle around and was back at the place at started and I loved it afresh – the fog, the moon and the trees. Finally took the Studentmonte exit to get home I had been travelling for about 30 minutes between 70 – 80 miles an hour.

After taking the exit off the freeway I was slowly riding back home. I stopped at a traffic light and on the other side, there was a water sprinkler that was sprinkling water high up in to the air on to the right lane of the road. My first instinct was to take the left lane, but then I realized that I couldn’t allow the possibility of riding through this water foundation go past, without being enjoyed. I went right through the fountain and it was a surprising splash of water. I was brazing myself expecting the water to be cold, but the water was warm – a brief moment of suprising ecstasy.

I can’t help thanking God that the night was so beautiful and that I had a motor cycle to go about enjoying the 8 lane freeways in Houston at 2:00 am in the morning.

What I learnt at Fusion Fellowship

I original idea was to write a blog ‘What I like about Fusion’. Then it occurred to me that I can like many things ranging from the movie ‘District 9’ to Hamburgers, but I cannot ‘really’ like something enough to be appreciative of it unless I really learnt something from it which got me closer to living my life to ‘all its Fullness’. So I decided to title this blog as ‘What I learnt from Fusion Fellowship’. I think I would like to surmise at least four truths that I think I learnt through Fusion over the course of the past few months.

 

In the book club on John Piper’s, “Don’t Waste Your life”, I learnt that glorifying God is not about going to Church and participating in the worship session and then doing some ‘Christian good works’ outside church. Rather, glorifying God is to be ‘supremely satisfied’ in the relationship with God, even if it means loosing all comforts and privileges of life. A soldier forsakes all the comforts and secure privileges that life has to offer because he is ‘supremely satisfied’ in the cause of his serving his home land. A country that has such soldiers is the one that is truly glorified. When God has soldier-minded conscientious Christian who are so satisfied in God that they’ll sacrifice anything for Him, He is indeed glorified. Even the legitimate pleasures that we enjoy in such a Soldier-like way glorifies God because the soldier is grateful enough to realize that legitimate pleasures in life don’t come cheap – they are bought with the blood of Christ. A life crux of which is in such glorification of God, isn’t a wasted life. It would be a life lived to ‘all its fullness’.

 

In Kemper’s class on the Maledictory Psalms, I learnt that to indubitably acknowledge the Maledcitory Psalms (breaking heads of babies… etc) as the inspired Word of God is to acknowledge in humility the inability of the unaided human reason to make a correct moral judgment on that which is right and that which is wrong, that which is fair and that which is unfair and even that which is of good taste and that which isn’t. Perhaps Kemper intended folks listening to learn a lot more than that, but this is all that has remained ‘stuck’ in my mind.

 

Truth Three: Ever since my early youth I have at times wondered ‘how’ I knew what I thought I knew. I wondered to myself, “if I do not know that ‘how’, then how could I trust that I ‘really’ know that which I think I know”. If I followed this David Hume-ian polemic, it would cause me to question how I could really ‘trust’ my faith in God. Why couldn’t my faith in God be an illusion created by my unaided reason. After all, history tells me that at one time, led by unaided human reason, people in the west thought the earth was flat, people in the east thought the earth was the back of a tortise.

 

During Chuck’s class I learnt that faith is God isn’t so much about ‘my’ faith in God as much as it is about God engendering in me a faith on Him. So, this revelation, that my faith in God has little to do with my unaided reason but more to do with God’s work in me, was liberating. It absolves me of the need to try to figure out if my faith is indeed trustworthy or not.

 

Lastly, but most importantly, I learnt from Cheryl that I could use the word ‘happy’ before any noun in the English language. Happiness is not just a habit, it is the overflowing expression of the well-being of the soul. It is only when the relationship with God fosters the well-being of the soul that such expressions of overflowing happiness is possible.

 

So as we look forward to a ‘happy’ new season of Fusion Fellowship, I look forward to learning more age-old ‘happy’ truths, that are new to me, which I think would help me look at life from a better vantage point and as promised, live out life to all its ‘happy’ Fullness.

 

 

Waiters say, “Church going Christians suck”

Disclaimer: For the sake of the case being make, please bear with me as I make some blatant generalizations about Church going Christians.

It is said that Church going Christians are the ones that tip the waiters least when compared with every other category of restaurant goers. I do not know how true this allegation really is, but I would think that there seldom is smoke without fire. After Church, as I was sitting with fellow Church goers at a restaurant having lunch, I was wondering why church going Christians had this reputation when it came to tipping waiters. Below are my meditations.

Perhaps it is an interesting irony that a Christian who comes out of an awesome Church service is often the most mean guy walking on earth because this is when he feels most self-righteous. It is when the Christian thinks that he is indeed the Christ-ian that he is least likely to be a one. Though this is one of the causes for the notorious reputation of Christian tipping, I think that the reason for stingy Christian tipping goes deeper than this. Even those Christians who are penitent enough to not feel too self-righteous are often prone to a bigger Christian Evangelical pitfall – being lead by ‘the spirit of entitlement’.

When a Post Enlightenment, Post Reformation, Post Christian Evangelical Christian goes to Church, he exudes with a sense of chronic entitlement. He feels entitled to a great worship service, he feels entitled to a good message, he feels entitled to communion – all of this free of cost. Then he goes a step further, just because he is able to say ‘Halleluiah, Praise the Lord’ and then claps hands when he sings or perhaps jumps about during worship service (perhaps in his mind, trying to mimic King David) he thinks he is entitled to the ‘presence of God Almighty’.

When he walks out of the Church with this spirit of entitlement of having even earned God with a few easy techniques, he, possibly quite unwittingly, is prone to be the most snobbish being. The worship leader, the priest and God have served him without expecting a tip (unless he goes to a mega church where the pastor invariably always makes a claim to the attendee’s tithe). Nevertheless, he is most pampered and attended to at the Church, he thinks that the Church exists to pamper and re-charge him at the end of a tiring week.

All of his burdens are laid down and he is in the mood of ‘post-awesome-worship-service cloud-nines’, lead continually by the spirit of entitlement he is insensitive to the kindness and the service of the waiter gives him and consequently does not feel ‘moved’ to tip him. On the other hand, on a Friday after a week’s tiring work which breaks down his sense of entitlement to anything in life, if the Christian were to go to a restaurant, he would be more appreciative of the service rendered by the waiter and would feel ‘moved’ to tip him.

Isn’t it an irony that the harsh realities of the world that teaches him that there is ‘no free lunch’ would better minister the Christian than the comforts and pampering of the Church. If only Church going Christians would understand why the waiters think they suck.

Beautiful Little Things of Life

A couple of weeks back, on a Friday evening, when I was reading C.S.Lewis’ “Till We Have Faces”, it dawned on me that it was heavily raining outside. Prior to this, every time it rained in Houston, I would be in my office looking at the rain from the glass window wishing that I was walking in the rain rather than looking at it from the glass tower.

So here was my chance. I closed C.S.Lewis’ book. I knew he would forgive me for preferring to walk in the rain which is one of the most beautiful and legitimately natural pleasures ‘under the sun’. I changed over into my shorts and flip flops and walked into the rain. Walking in the rain is when I feel close to nature. Somewhere a few miles above earth out of thin air a water droplet gets formed and pulled by gravity, travels all the way down to earth to create a ‘cool’ sensation on my skin, reminding me that perhaps, even the manna that fell from the ‘heavens’ created a similar sensation.

As the rain became a drizzle, I decided to get into the pool. To float around in the pool when it is drizzling is an awesome experience. I lay in the water, floating about. As I was weightlessly bobbing up and down, face down, ears and eyes within the water, feeling the rain droplets on my back, hearing the slow rumble of the thunder from the high heavens and seeing the splash of lightening lit up the pool, it seemed that the beauty in this little experience of life was more profound and real than that of the Roman empire in all of its glory.

God has created so much of beauty in so many little things of life, if only man would ‘stop, look and relish’.

Ps: Well, looking back, I am glad I did not get electrocuted. J